Mass Migration Towards South Of Country Predicted As President Says Drinking In North Should Stop

The Ministry Of Internal Affairs has said it is concerned of a potential mass migration of Sri Lankans towards the South of the country after the President suggested that people living in the North should stop drinking and definitely refrain from having any alcohol based fun.

Mr Sirisena, who is himself 80% proof that being teetotal doesn’t mean you aren’t going to spout things that don’t make sense said, “Alcohol is worse than weapons of war. When Bush and Blair were looking for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq they were after bottles of Black Label and Smirnoff. Unfortunately, they only managed to find VAT 69 and Beefeaters, which is why they should be tried for crimes against humanity.”

Speaking to a group of factory workers, he added “Young minds get distracted fast by one thing or another. But the solution to that is not alcohol – the answer is the internet which is full of cat and baby videos plus videos of people watching videos. It’s hilarious. Anyway, what was I saying?”

One drinker from the North said, “There are all sorts of divisions happening in this country. Just as some donkeys begin a campaign trying to divide people based on race, now the Presidents decides to introduce a ‘locationist’ campaign. We thought we only had to contend with ‘Signha-Le’ but now we also need to fight the ‘Botha-Le’ as well.”

Ravi Karunanayake has also bemoaned the news, stating that he will now have to find another gullible Billionaire to help fill in the loss in tax revenue from the expected move.