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Addressing the mounting number of allegations of wrongdoing during the previous regime, the former President announced that, if elected, one of his first undertakings would be to set up a non-independent body headed by him to investigate himself.
Announcing details of the pledge, MR said “I totally refute all allegations that have been levelled against me, especially that I was involved in the assassination of JFK. On that day I was at Mattala Airport so I have an alibi – just ask anyone who was there on the day, which was no one as usual so it might be hard to find a witness. Anyway, it’s a better use of resources to investigate myself once I have disposed of all proof, as it takes less time”
“No one knows me better than myself so I have decided to head up the investigative committee and will also appoint my brothers who have known me from my younger days and my three sons who look up to me. For the sake of absolute independence, I will invite someone who doesn’t know very well – my cat.” he added
Lead analyst of the investigative body, G Rajapakse said “In preparation for the committee to begin its work we have already collected several pieces of evidence submitted by the public with regards to these allegations will be sending them to be accidentally shredded before declaring that no evidence exists.”
