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Former President Mahinda Rajapakse was today presented with a pair of running shoes together with a session of free lessons in the art of sprinting after the government decided that his personal security should be scaled down.
A spokesman for the Government said, “We have spent a significant amount of money over the last few years in order to provide Mr. Rajapakse with a cadre of security personnel for his protection. So far the only threat to him has been from a disgruntled crow who defecated on him but caused minimal harm as the white faeces matched his kit, and his former astrologer who said that the next time he meets the former President he will end up seeing stars. As such we believe he no longer requires more people than there are British Secret Service agents to look out for him.”
“For his protection we have purchased a pair of the latest running shoes with self-lacing technology, which will save him time in the event of an emergency, together with a few sessions with Usain Bolt in the art of sprinting, which will equip him for any dangerous situations he encounters in the future.” he added.
Mr. Rajapakse said, “I find this solution wholly unacceptable. I need a full on security setup because even though I am not in power I can still find ways to make statements that infuriate the public. So I need round the clock protection. What am going to do with these shoes? If someone attacks me the only thing I can do is throw it at my assailant. It’s not that I can’t dash but I’m saving up running for office at the next election.”
