In a statement issued last evening, God has confirmed that not a single human has met the criteria required to enter heaven and that current residents consist of only animals, except domesticated cats.
Participating in a question and answer session held via Facebook Live, The Almighty said, “I have assessed all the CVs from the billions of people who applied since the start of mankind, but each of them has done something to penalise themselves from making the cut. There was one guy who I thought nailed it, but then I called one of his references and he said that the applicant once made water into a really bad Californian Merlot, when he should have produced a Bordeaux Cabernet Sauvignon instead. The reference added that accompanying bread baked by the applicant could have been drizzled with olive oil, although the fish had been poached to perfection.”
“The concern is that if I let one human into heaven, it’ll end up like Earth. So, I’ve left them to wallow in hell which everyone knows is other people. And cats. I once let a cat into heaven to see what would happen and it went around trying to pick a fight with everyone. So I sent it away and things have been very peaceful ever since and the place smells less of piss,” added God.
God will be joining LinkedIn, making it easier for people to send their résumé. Preference will be given to plumbers and electricians who turn up to a job on time.